Speaking of steaming hot poo...

This is so nasty, I can't even talk about it without wanting to dry-heave. My best friend Jennifer and her husband Bill just had a baby girl about 6 weeks ago. She is the sweetest thing, rainbows, puppies & butterflies, the whole 9 yards...never does a thing wrong.

Jennifer called me at work to tell me this story (before lunch...lucky me)!

Bill was home today and decided to change sweet little innocent Clara's messy diaper. Bill was trying to get all of poo out of her crevices (you get the picture). He went so far as to put his head down near her exit hole Clara has been having trouble going #2 lately as a side note...and Clara decided at that moment to drop the bomb...LITERALLY.

A shart (you think you're going to fart & it's sh*t instead) came out of that little girl's bum and it landed right on her dear daddy's face. From what Jennifer said, Bill had green poo all over his face.

Jennifer said she was laughing so hard and Bill is the kind of guy who doesn't like to have anything on his face/hands, so you KNOW he was freaking out. Bill immediately started dry-heaving, Jennifer didn't capture it on film (thank goodness), but I thought it was quite funny and wanted to share it with all of you.

I know that there is no amount of soap or water that would get that shart smell off of me. I'd have to soak myself in gasoline & bleach to get that funk off.

Lesson learned here kids: NEVER EVER EVER under any circumstances put your face near a baby's bum-they're loaded!!!

Funny things I've seen

This first one isn't really 'funny', it's more gross than anything. In our bedroom at night, the cats like to get up in the windows and look out. We sleep with our windows open. It was a weekday, I got up at 5am for work and as I stood up out of bed to turn the lamp on, I noticed a nicely placed pile of vomit. Indeed-it was vomit, placed in this perfectly lined out fashion on the window sill. I knew which cat did it too, I'm surprised it wasn't in my pillow or something. Some days I swear they're out to get me.

On Saturday, I was driving to get a manicure/pedicure and as I was stopped at a light near our house, I notice that there is a guy on a motorcycle on a bike (one of those crotchrockets where they lean forward when they ride it), the funny thing is he had his friend (not boyfriend) on the back. They were slowing down to turn and the passenger on the back was embarrassed (you could tell) because he was sitting up and had his hands on the driver's hips. I don't know...I thought it was silly-if you're that embarrassed then take a pass on riding a crotchrocket with your best friend you know?!

Anyhoo, not much is going on with me since I'm posting about cat vomit & men riding motorcycles. Hope everyone is doing well.

Peace!

Home invasion

Jason & I were sound asleep this morning (as people typically are). We usually get up at 4:30am to go to the gym. I had gotten up at about 4 to hit snooze on my alarm. About 15 minutes later, I heard a commotion in the livingroom. I opened my eyes and saw that our livingroom light was on. It wasn't on before, the hair on the back of my neck was beginning to raise up. We decided to leave our livingroom windows open because of the heat to cool things off.

So I nudge Jason and tell him that someone was in our house because the lights were on...I was convinced it was because we left those damn windows open. Jason wakes up from his very deep sleep and heads out into the livingroom. I was left in the bedroom to find something to beat this perpitrator over the head with...all I had in sight was my alarm clock, and a shoe.

I didn't take anything with me, I figured seeing me that early in the morning would be scary enough. I tiptoe into the livingroom and both cats are standing DIRECTLY up against the front door looking up at the ceiling looking at...a moth. This thing was the size of a monarch butterfly!

Chip had apparently jumped up high enough to hit the light switch and flick the light on. I was so fired up I began yelling at them telling them "how dare you" and "bad kitties". How dare they chase a moth. I'll tell you that my heart rate was high enough that I didn't have to work out so hard this morning.

I'll tell you one thing it's a terrifying thing to wake up thinking someone is in your house. I don't know what I would have done. It's a good thing I'm so "dead sexy" when I wake up.

Giving your spouse a haircut

This is the most unbelievable thing I've done. I feel horrible. I have been cutting Jason's hair with clippers since we've been dating. He just buzzes it, always has. So routinely, once every few weeks, he asks me to cut his hair. He pulls a chair into the kitchen, plugs in the clippers, makes sure he has the right setting and I go to it. This time was no different as I got started. I start buzzing always at the back of the head, just as I did, the clippers made a weird sound, the attachment that determines the length of my poor husband's hair fell to the ground. I gasp "Oh good Lord", Jason's hand immediately gravitates to the area where I'm cutting. I tell him..."there's a bald spot...BALD SPOT!" He tells me that I'm lying, and I am holding back SEVERE laughter. I start apologizing profusely and he keeps telling me I'm lying.

I finally convince him I'm serious and I continue cutting with a shorter blade. As I'm cutting I'm noticing it's not so bad, "we'll just go really short" I say to him lovingly. He says he doesn't want to go shorter than it already is. So, I finish up and Jason walks into the bathroom to get a closer look. As he's walking away I'm really convinced it's not that bad and decide to tell him that. As he gets into the dining room, I yell out "Hey honey, it IS that bad, it's pretty noticeable."

The picture you're looking at is the end product. It looks like a 4 year old gave him a haircut. Sadly, the 4 year old is his wife. This happened on Saturday evening. We were discussing ways of him to hide it. I tell him to wear a hat to work, or to call in. He decides to brave going to work-sans hat. I'm really not comfortable cutting his hair or any one's hair for that matter. I mean, I don't let him cut my hair---NO WAY! So the lesson is here kids, unless you want this to happen to you, do not let me near your hair with scissors, a razor, clippers, knife or anything else. Jason had to be made an example of. Poor thing.